Funny Bits!

Over the years many things have been said to Knight Moves. Just general things from members of the audience, entertainment managers and Landlords. Some of these quotes will bring tears to the eyes to even the most hardened of musicians. So for your delectation  here are the top best Knight Moves quotations, in reverse order. As in the best last!

18) This space has been reserved for Kate at The Ringland Swan! I will just have to wait a little bit longer. Come on Kate, still waiting!

Ok Don't have to wait any longer! Kate said "I extend you the friend of handship". Gosh! At last.

17) Pub & Club Notice Boards: We chose the name Knight Moves for no particular reason, but we have been constantly amazed how difficult it's been for others to get it right. 'Night Moves' without the 'K' is understandable to a degree, but 'Night Movies'? Or 'Knight Move Train'? And worst of all 'The Singing Canaries'! Just once arrived at venue to be greeted by a poster saying "Tim Parker & Guest".

16) "SPECIAL TONIGHT, PENSIONERS MEAL DEAL. TWO COURSES FOR ONLY £6.95! plus live music." Written on chalkboard, outside pub. "If I've told them once, I've told them twice, live music first, then pensioners meal deal." (To paraphrase Spinal Tap quote.)

15) "We will fit your music act in around the Bingo." Said at many Holiday camps, and  social clubs.

14) "Oh my God! not another female vocalist. I hate female vocalists, all they do is bloody screech." Said by social club entertainments manager in Essex to us as we walked in through the door. But the night got worse! See the story click Here! Or click story button on home page.

12) "So you must be the stripper." Directed at second unnamed female vocalist (E) at a trio gig, by rather drunken holiday camp owner  (also unnamed) (D). 

11) "They don't want to rebook you because the girl on the poster is blonde, and the singer isn't." Mmmm, interesting one considering the "Blonde" one had never sang there before.

10) "When you play Layla, you guitar solo sounds nothing like Clapton, then you did that Gary Moore song, your solo don't sound anything like him, then you played Hotel California, and you didn't play it note for note." Aimed at Tim. (Well..... Thank God I don't is all I can say!)

9) "If music be the food of love, why don't rabbits play guitars?" Some crazy hippy rock chick at an outdoor festival.

8) "I'm looking at your set list, so I can decide which songs I'm going to sing." Customer not realising that two guitars and a keyboard weren't normal equipment for a karaoke.

7) "Well he doesn't bloody need you does he?" Aimed at female vocalist (C) during guitar solo.

6) "Hello, I'm Susan the Land Lady, we've never met before." Said to vocalist (M & C) who had performed at that pub many times before, and said each time by drunken Land Lady.

5) "I don't know a lot about music, in fact I'm completely tone deaf, but hey! I know you are brilliant musically." Had this one a few too many times to count, usually slurred through alcohol.

4) "You change in the bogs like every one else. Yeah, tough at the top isn't it?" Entertainments manager at Holiday camp.

3) "Are you two a couple?" Now officially a cliché.

2)"Are you her father?" Sign of age difference.

1) "You are superb, in fact you are the bee's bo*****s." As opposed to The dog's knees, one assumes.

10) New years eve: Just done Auld Lang Syne, singer has next song lined up...Things Can Only Get Better.... Good choice...then shouts at the audience "Are you ready to party into 2009? Lets party" but she has forgotten to stop backing track, which majestically moves on to God Save The Queen. Oh well, happy new year.

9) Half way through Johnny B Goode and singer ejects the backing, Tim plays the solo on and on, and singer restarts the song.....nobody notices...Phewww.

8) Singer "You see Lauren, I've worked with Tim for years and he trusts me with sorting out the PA at the end of the night, because  I know what goes where." Lauren: "Does PA stand for packing away?"

7) Lauren: "Can I ask you a question? What does FAQ mean?"

6) Claire: "Here's what I should have sung at Pakefield during 'I'm So Excited': either "I've got to give it up" or "I just can't get enough". But instead,  I sung "I just can't get it up!"
 

5) Changing facilities were a shabby mould ridden caravan with a floor amongst the holes. Electric toasters were stacked to the ceiling. Unnamed Holiday camp park.

4) Welcomed by Land lord who guided us to the cellar to fix his pumps because we were both wearing Fosters polo shirts. He thought we were from the brewery.

3) Female vocalist  attempting to sing My Heart Will Go On, four whole tones higher than her key range. Brought tears to Tim's eyes as well as hers.

2) Set up gear in pub. Had just finished first set when landlord comes back from holiday and asks what we are doing. Showed him the contract to prove we had a gig there, until he pointed out his pub was called The Kings Head, and The kings Arms (the one on the contract) was 600 yards further down the High Street.

1) Unnamed female vocalist falling over monitors with short skirt on.

12) Booked at a Holiday camp in Essex, one of the top names in Holiday camps. Entertainments manager warned us not to interact with the audience on any level, just do your sets and go he said. Cabaret act (John) who we had worked with before did his usual mime act which included pretending to slap a child. Oh dear! Child told his dad, who told his brothers, and whilst we started our second set, said dad and his brothers were three foot behind us on stage trying to kick down the dressing room door to get to the cabaret artiste. We stopped playing, and took down our gear, Ent's manager insisted we continue, but we refused. Police were called and escorted John to safety. When we asked why there was no security we were told each time they had brought security in, they had been beaten up. When agent booked the following year we refused to do that particular holiday camp and were told if we didn't, the famous Camp chain wouldn't book us anywhere else. So be it we said, but they did rebook us in all the others.

11) Arrive to do a wedding gig and Best man approaches us. "I'm afraid to tell you that the Bride announced at the altar she couldn't go through with the wedding, and ran away. Still, we have decided to go ahead with the reception as there's food for 200 and you and the disco have already been paid." We played to six people including the groom slumped in a drunken daze. Six months later we gigged at a wedding for the Best man, and the above Bride! This time she went through with it.

10) The Eye Show. Three separate people directed us to the trailer we were to perform on. We set up all the equipment and were just ready for the sound check, when steward said: "You're not playing here, you are in the Marquee, twenty yards away."  Doh!

9) Arrived at gig one week early! Landlord had mixed the dates up. Couldn't do following week as already booked somewhere else. So played for nothing.

8) Tim left his guitar up against a street wall whilst loading the car. Arrived at gig, set up, then realised no guitar. He drove home like a maniac to find guitar still sitting where he left it an hour and a half earlier. That's lucky!

7) Tim went to Sussex for three gig nights and forgot to take a guitar. Had to attempt to play KB

6) Seaside Holiday camp gig was cancelled after playing for an hour, when the dance floor started to fill with six inches of sea water due to a break in the sea defence wall during a storm.

5) At a New Years eve gig a few years ago, Tim was so ill with a viral infection he missed the midnight hour. Singer had to bring the new year in by herself.

4) At an outdoor festival gig in the year 2000, The duo were playing to 1500 people when the generators failed. Picking up an acoustic guitar Tim and singer continued by the light of the torches in the crowd.

3) Gigged at a funeral where deceased was placed in front of the stage in an open coffin. Spent all night looking for the hidden cameras.

2) A Death of a holiday maker at a camp was not allowed to interfere with the Bingo. A screen was erected around the body and the paramedics confirmed he was dead. They were then asked not to remove the body until the Bingo had finished.

1) Mercifully very rare. Duo was booked into pub which had a dreadful reputation. Drugs were on display,  openly being sold and taken. A massive Western type brawl ensued, including one man raking the bar with a stool. Land Lady said it was a good night, and hoped we would return for a further gig. We didn't!

Last updated by Tim